That Friday finished it off. He had gone to meet her at the university. He
wanted to see if there was something in her eyes- some kind of a spark or
emotion which would reassure him that yes, there was still some hope left.
He was looking for some kohl on her eyes and gloss on her lips, some
perfume on her body which would have indicated to him that his arrival
was still welcome. But he received the same arrogance from her; the same looks of
I-am-so-much-superior-than-you-moron and the as-usual I-was-so-busy
banter.
Back in the train he knew that he had been mistaken in trying to look out
for love. He shouldn't have fallen for her. He let his emotions go uncontrolled
this time, the only time in his life-and he suffered heavily for it.
He felt pain. He felt even more depressed; alone. Barring his parents whom he
lost when he was eight; and a few college friends now far away, he had not had
anyone close to him-or even nearby, semi-close. That is why his heart had been
so desperate and- disobedient.
He needed an antidote. A painkiller of sorts. He puffed away on the joint he
had brought from home. He felt better. The drug filled his heart, drove away
love, pain, jealousy and longing.
He realized that this trip hadn't entirely been a failure. The state of
uncertainty over his relationship with her was killing him. Now he knew that
requests from the heart were to be left unanswered. Now he knew that he was
staring at defeat from the very first day.
He walks to the lavatory. Apart from the expletives that can be found
written on the walls of any Indian train's 3rd class compartment, he finds at
the corner written in dark red, by some crazy literature enthusiast:
We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and-in spite of True Romance
magazines-we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of
our company; we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely-at least, not all
the time-but essentially, and finally alone. This is what makes your
self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you
must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness. -Hunter S Thompson
He lights his second 'madman' joint.
